Joke Section^^

omg, this blog is one step from dying liao...a few more jokes for u guys(if u even see this)

CORPORATE TALK

Here's something that might help you figure out those slick jibberish from recruiting companies so you'll know what they really mean!

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're
just now running the ad.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own pension plan and, if you behave
we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT"
We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT"
Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on
yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS"
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control. .

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD"
You whine, you're fired.

New Measurements

1000 kilograms of Chinese soup: Won Ton

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

Three women who work in the same office
notice that their female boss has started
leaving work early every day, so one day
they decide that after she leaves, they'll
take off early, too. After all, she never
calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early.
She does a little gardening, watches a
movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get
in a quick workout at her health club
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home
early, but as she goes upstairs she hears
noises coming from her bedroom. She
quietly opens the door a crack and is
mortified to see her husband in bed with
HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes
the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day the brunette and redhead
talk about leaving early again, but when
they ask the blonde if she wants to
leave early also, she exclaims,
"NO WAY! yesterday I almost got caught!"

IN A DRUNKEN HAZE

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.
After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living **** out of her.
Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.
As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."


Li Bai's Poem

(Chinese Version)

Chuang qian ming yue guang

Yi shi di shang shuang

Ju tou wang ming yue

Di tou shi gu xiang




(English Version)

The moon light is pouring down on my bedside

Like white frost spreading on the ground

I look up the bright round moon in the sky

And lower my head thinking of my dear hometown




(Singlish (Phua Chu Kang) Version)

Bedfront Moon Bright Bright

Think Is Floor White White

Lift Head See Moon Moon

Bow Head Miss Home Home...




(Ah-Beng Version)

Bedfront Orr Pi Sai (pick nose)

Think Think Go Pang Sai

Pick Up Tai Gor Tai (handphone)

BS While Lau Sai


Just in case you do not know what BS is, my guess is Bull****.



(Latest Reservist Army Version)

Bedfront Lau Bark Sai (tears drop)

Thinking About Exercise(reservist mobilization)

Drop Dead Look Into The Sky (run until no

breath)

Tong Kor Sia Lang Zai? (my heartache nobody knows)




(Osama version)

No friend at my side

Think think Bush will fight

Lift head but where to hide?

This time don't know when will die ?




(Bush version)

Can't sleep since that night

Think think where he hide ?

Bomb bomb friends will say I pai

No choice ask them go fly kite


Baby food

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"